Seven productivity hacks your Boss doesn’t want you to know

This decade has seen an unprecedented rise in the importance of productivity. To live a fulfilled life, you must accomplish great things at work. Your life is finite, so you shouldn’t waste a minute.

In this article, we’ll give you some great tips to increase your productivity so that you can get back to changing the world.

  1. Use Facebook keyboard shortcuts. I bet you didn’t know that Facebook even had keyboard navigation? Well it does, and it can make you at least three times as fast when browsing pictures from Aunt Grace’s wedding. Personal experience has shown that these shortcuts shave at least 300 milliseconds off the time it takes to like a story. And why wouldn’t you want to be able to share that cat video more quickly?
  2. Replace emails with bullet points. Stop writing prose and starting filling out bullet points. It’s fast, and you don’t have to think about grammar, language, and all that other jazz. It saves your precious mental energy for later.
  3. Use Magic to order your food. Why waste time figuring out what you want to eat — just get someone else to make decisions for you! Text Magic and tell them to get you any random meal ASAP. You’ll save at least a couple of days of your life when you don’t have to do any of that time-wasting decision-making. Oh, by the way, if you’ve read this far down the bullet point, you’re wasting your time. You should only be reading the bold words, obviously!
  4. Call a Lyft and Uber at the same time, cancel the other when one car arrives. Many people irrationally only call a single ride-sharing service and wait for their car to arrive, but the modern Gig economy allows you to parallelize. Hail both services and choose the one that arrives first; this serves the dual purpose of increasing competition among the two ride-sharing companies as well as getting you to your destination faster. Don’t worry about the helpless driver that you victimized, they should have gotten to you faster anyway.
  5. Read the best listicles. Make sure the listicles you read have plenty of buzzwords and include new productivity apps. Otherwise, you’re probably wasting your time looking at outdated things that have been around for more than a couple of months. Listicles are the brain’s version of chocolate cake — they’re great for a quick sugar boost and provide all the necessary calories to keep you running on a late-night romp. Some listicles will even surprise you with more bullet points than their title suggests — these offer the most wisdom (don’t be mislead into believing that it’s all for a catchy tag line). For instance, if an article claims to have seven amazing productivity hacks, but instead has eight, you’ll probably be in for an unbelievably awesome article.
  6. Store memories on your computer. Most of the things you remember are not worth remembering. You should strive to clear your memories so that you have more space for productive things. Consider storing recollections in longer-term digital storage (like Dropbox or Google Drive). This works particularly well for outdated personal memories, which can be stored as images in a few megabytes, or everyday thoughts, which calendar apps and email supersede. The perfect brain should contain only productive thoughts, preferably related to work or money. All else does not contribute to a meaningful, productive life.
  7. Inject entertainment intravenously. Stop wasting time watching television or talking to friends. The world you perceive is made possible by neurotransmitters transferring chemical signals across axons throughout your brain. All the processes of the brain can be duplicated by artificial means, so why attempt to have fun the natural way when you can send pure, unadulterated dopamine straight to your neurotransmitter receptors? It’s all the fun in the world, and the joy is fleeting and quick enough that you can get back to work as soon as it’s over. As a bonus, addiction to dopamine injections will prevent you from even considering more worthless means of entertainment, such as human interaction. Remember, to fully optimize productivity, you need to minimize the time spent on anything except for work, which makes the dopaminergic drugs that inhibit sleep doubly attractive.
  8. Clone and simulate your brain on hardware. This one doesn’t exist yet, but you should do it as soon as technology makes it possible. You can eliminate all the impracticality of physically being a human by moving the function of your brain outside of your animal shell. All the important parts of you are in your brain, so shedding the unproductive exoskeleton can increase productivity exponentially. One of the tenets of our current productivity culture is to always stay focused, and what better way to do that than removing all distractions; you’ll only have your mind left. “Wiser” people say you should re-energize your body by taking breaks. But you’ll have no need for such humanly activities once you rid yourself of bodily functions. The short-term effects of a hardware enhanced brain would be unbelievable, and since the long term is made up of a bunch of short terms, you have to assume that the long term would be equally amazing.

If you had been following the spirit of my advice, you should have stopped skimming this article long ago and finished writing that bullet-pointed email your boss asked for. By reading this far, you’ve shown you have no idea how to be productive — you’re on track to waste away and read Buzzfeed for the rest of your days. You also might be unambitious enough to have friends and think about philosophy, or to behold the universe in its mighty glory on nights when the stars are out. These unproductive pastimes will keep you from mortal prestige. They’ll keep you grounded to the earth, instead of out among the stars. They show that you’re human. That’s because the things that best follow my advice are machines.

If you really want to optimize your life, you need to figure out what your goals are. Work and productivity might be part of your life, but there are probably other things you find important. A gratifying life comes through balance, and sometimes, a singular focus on work may lead to imbalance.

Kidding! How are you going to become a billionaire without bullet pointed emails or Facebook keyboard shortcuts? Keep reading listicles about productivity and you’ll definitely make it in life.